the year since

                It was the worst I have ever felt.  We had just basically learned that my dad would eventually die from cancer, and my sister ha disappeared. I was scared and hurt. I mean after all I was only fourteen and I was stuck there trying to comfort my mom when really all I wanted to do was go sit in a corner and cry. My sister later apologized for just leaving me with my mom. My dad came home the Sunday after his Friday surgery which was pretty amazing, he even watched the Colts play the Rams with me after we got home even though he was really tired.

                This was over a year ago, and since then my dad had been hospitalized with blood clots, been doing continual intravenous chemotherapy treatments, had two separate cataract surgeries, and he is still doing pretty well, even with everything that he has gone through over the last few years. Chemo still barely affects him, pretty much all it does is make him tired, which still amazes me after all the horror stories I have heard about chemo.

                Since the surgery my dad has done extremely well and after every MRI, which my dad still has every three months, we still hold our breath, and my dad has been declared “stable” every time since the surgery. My dad has fought through the one of the most deadly type of cancers out there with his Glioblastoma that he had back in2003 and a type of cancer that will probably claim his life that should have been a cakewalk after the Glioblastoma. He is my hero because he made a promise to us all when he first got sick and so far he had held true to that promise, that cancer would not beat him, like it did my grandpa and so many other people before and since then.

                Since my dad was first diagnosed most of the people my dad first underwent treatments with at Hux cancer center in Terre Haute have passed. It is pretty scary and pretty amazing at the same time when you have a doctor tell you your dad should not be here, I have heard this a billion times. My dad is a true miracle.

                My dad’s not the only person I’m close to that has been diagnosed with cancer, but he is definitely the one person who has had the biggest effect on my life, I love the fact that even through all the crazy, horrible crap that has happened my dad had still managed to always be there for me and help my mom run our small business.

feelings after the surgery

We had just basically learned that my dad’s life would more than likely be claimed by a cancerous brain tumor, and honestly I was more terrified than I had been throughout the whole ordeal, and that’s saying quite a bit considering we had been going through for so long with so many different “scares”.  This was when I probably needed my sister and mom the most. Like I said earlier in my blog, my mom and I are not really that close, but I was really needing her to keep her cool and be there for me, because I didn’t think I could handle losing my dad without some kind of support. I wanted her to stay strong, but she completely lost, and can you really blame her? She had just learned that her husband of thirty-two years would eventually pass from a brain tumor. While I sat there with my mom and aunt trying to comfort my mom, while choking back tears of my own, my sister disappeared. I had no idea where she went, but this is honestly, when I needed her the most and I couldn’t find her any where. To this day I still haven’t told anybody this, but at that point in time, I had never felt lonelier, I couldn’t believe my sister had pretty much deserted me  in that hospital. It sucked. After my dad, my sister was probably the person I was closest to in my family. She had been there for me through pretty much all of this. This was really tough for all of us, but I was there for my mom, and I was doing a lot better than she was controlling her feelings. My sister had disappeared and was letting me down more than anybody ever had , she was the last person I had ever expected to just disappear.

The Day of the Third (cont.)

My dad’s surgery was supposed to be about 4 to 6 hours long, but in reality it was close to 8 hours long, those were the longest eight hours of my life. It was horrible! The nurse that came in to tell else that my dad was out of surgery also told us that Dr. Miller, my dad’s surgeon, would be out shortly to speak to us.

                After the nurse left the room we sat in that awkward waiting room for what seemed like forever, but it was actually only about twenty minutes. That was the shortest wait we had had all day, but it seemed like the longest wait. Dr. Miller finally came into the waiting room and asked us to follow him into this tiny room that contained only a couch and table with a box of Kleenexes on it. He stood in front of us and informed us that they were not able to get the entire tumor but they were able to get most of the tumor, and that the reason the surgery had taken so much longer than anticipated was that the tumor was actually larger than they had previously thought and went down into his brain had breached my dad’s brain’s blood barrier. This all sounded pretty scary, but at the time I had no idea what it all meant, but I was too nervous and scared to ask the doctor so after he left the room I began to ask my mom all the questions I had, but she at this point she began to cry, so I could tell it wasn’t good news we had gotten and by the time my mom started crying, my sister had already left the room. My mom and I aren’t exactly close, I’ll always go to my dad or sister for anything, before I go to my mom, she tends to blow things out of proportion and I very negative, so I really needed my sister, but I couldn’t find her. She was really close to my dad as am I but she was taking the news we had just received a little bit harder than I was. I didn’t fully understand what was going on and my aunt Lori and I were having a really tough time comforting my mom. My aunt was also having a tough time with the news we received because even though she hadn’t been real close to my dad in recent years she could still remember how nice he was to her when my dad and mom were dating. He would invite my aunt to movies with them and she could still remember seeing “Jaws” with them almost thirty years earlier.

                We were all affected by the news about my dad’s surgery, but we were still happy about them getting most of the tumor, I think looking back we couldn’t have gotten worse news, but at the same time I do not think we could have gotten better news about how the surgery went.

               

The Day of the Third Surgery (cont.)

                My mom, my sister, and I were all just sitting in the hospital waiting for any news about my dad, when my aunt Lori came in to the waiting room where we were sitting awkwardly with the families of other patients at the hospital. The room we were in was not really small, but under the circumstances it seemed like the smallest room I had ever been in. My aunt came in with some magazines for my sister and mom to read while we waited, and she brought me in the most current issue of “Sports Illustrated”, which just happened to be my favorite magazine. She also brought in some candy for us to eat while we waited for some kind of news about what was going on with my dad. At the time these things seemed like just small gestures, that really didn’t affect how things were, but looking back now, these small gestures really affected how things went for us. I can’t really speak for my mom and sister, but I know everything my aunt did that day really helped me. The candy and magazines helped me feel more comfortable, and helped make that somewhat cramped hospital waiting room feel more like home.

                After several hours with absolutely no news about what was going on in the operating room my dad was in a nurse finally came out and told us that he was doing okay and they were about half way through what ended up being close to an eight hour surgery. We were all greatly relieved by this news and at this point we all decided to go to the hospital cafeteria and eat a lunch that for me consisted of a slice of pepperoni pizza and some French fries, it was the first thing I had eaten all day besides a few Reese’s Peanut Butter, and it was great. It’s weird when you’re extremely worried about something how something as simple as getting something substantial to eat can make you feel so much better.

                After we ate we went back to the semi-cramped waiting room and waited for some more news on my dad, which didn’t some until several hours later. While we waited for some news I worked on homework and my mom, sister, and aunt all read the magazines my aunt had brought.

                After I finished my homework my sister and I went outside to make some phone calls and just let everyone at home no how things were going. My sister called my grandparents and out minister, Shane, while I called my uncle Mike, my mom’s brother, and my uncle Tom, my dad’s brother. We told all of them that they hadn’t given anymore news, but last we knew my dad was doing well and they should be done fairly soon.

                A couple more hours passed and finally the same nurse who had talked to us earlier came in to the waiting room we were in and told that my dad was finally out of surgery.

The Day of the Third Surgery

                The days after my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer for the third time, we were all very worried. As I imagine every family would be, but we were even more concerned than I think other families would be. We were more concerned because we had been through it all not just once before, but twice before. While that is true, we were more prepared than most would have been, but we were also extremely worried about what could happen, especially since brain surgery is extremely stressful on your body, and my father had been through two such surgeries in just over five years.

                We were all pretty worried, but I think for the first time my dad was actually more worries than the rest of us. My dad was extremely worried, but he really tried to remain positive. He said he knew he would come out of the surgery and recover like he had every time before, he knew he would get better again.

                The morning of the surgery we went to IUPUI teaching hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana, the same place my dad had had his previous, most recent brain surgery that had been under four months earlier in June 2009. When we went into the hospital we first found what floor the doctor’s office was on, so he could get checked in to complete the last few things that had to be completed before he could have his surgery. My dad changed into a hospital gown, while my mom filled out some paperwork. As my mom completed the paperwork it became close to the time for my dad to go into surgery so we went into a little room as a family and they told us this room would be his last stop before surgery, so if we had anything to say we should say it now. At this point we all, my mom, my sister, and I, all said what could be our last goodbyes. We didn’t know what this would be, and I think that was the scariest thing for all of us. I was fine until, my dad with tears in his eyes handed me his watch and said he loved me. At this point I basically just had a meltdown. I don’t ever remember a time when I had cried that hard, it was horrible, and all I remember thinking was why am I doing this? If this is the last time I see my dad, this isn’t how I want it to be. My sister later told me that she had done the same thing the last two surgeries and at that point I gave her dad’s watch because I couldn’t hold on to it. It was bad enough being in that hospital and just looking around and seeing so many sad people, I didn’t want to think about it anymore than I had to. I was very scared and really regretting my decision to be there for the third surgery, while I hated being in the dark, there was just no way for me to get my mind off of the surgery.

third surgery

After my dad’s second surgery, he was doing really well. He did not have to radiation, but he did have to do chemo, which usually makes people pretty sick, but my dad always did extremely well, He just got tired. He acted weird because he was always tired and he never wanted to do anything.  My dad always kept a fairly positive attitude throughout the entire process of his recovery after his second surgery. We were always preoccupied with having to take him to a doctor’s appointment or something. 

After the surgery my dad slept all the time.  In October he went over to Terre Haute for one of the MRIs that he had received every three months since 2003, he was kind of nervous because his teeth were hurting, and it seemed like every time his began to hurt he would be diagnosed with cancer again, so he was basically freaking out. He learned that he once again had a metastasized tumor from his lung that had moved to his brain. The doctor’s began discussing yet another brain surgery for my dad which meant that he would have to go through the stress and rigors of surgery again. Brain surgery is extremely stressful on your body which meant he had a lot lower chance of making it through this surgery than he had with any other brain surgery he had, had to that point. My dad was very nervous about this surgery, but he was still positive. His surgery was scheduled for the second to last Friday of October in 2009.

Good News

As my sister, Andrea and my mom sat in that waiting room, waiting to find out how my dad was doing they were freaking out, but they had several people there with them. My aunt and my uncles were all there with them. My aunt Lori who is my mom’s sister, she was the one who pretty much arranged everything for my dad’s surgeries. She sells malpractice insurance to several doctors in Indiana. My uncles Larry and Tom were both there as well. They are my dad’s two older brothers. My minister from church, Shane Mullins, was also there.

                While I was in Cayuga with Brad I was also freaking out. I didn’t know what was going on at all. I was even more in the dark than my sister and mom because I wasn’t there. I hated being that in the dark. When I finally found out my dad was in recovery and that Dr. Miller, my dad’s brain surgeon, said that he believed they got about ninety percent or more of the entire tumor.

                My dad did not have to go through chemo after his second surgery which meant it seemed like he had a lot more energy than after the first surgery so it was a lot different than the fist time he had a brain tumor removed.

                 The surgery had taken a lot longer than the doctors had expected it too, but my dad’s recovery was a lot quicker then the doctors ever imagined it would be. My dad’s surgery was on the Friday before Father’s Day and we, my mom, my sister, and myself, were all bringing my dad home on Father’s Day, just two days after the surgery it was pretty amazing. It had been a pretty long weekend because of all the stuff that had happened and he was excited to get home, but the first thing he did when we got home was went in to his chair and completely crashed for three hours.

                Everything seemed like it was going to just keep getting better, my dad seemed fairly happy and a lot healthier, there was a lot less tension around the house since the surgery went well.